Christmas is not a religious festival. Hell yeah!

Humans look best when they have white skin. Or at least that's what we Indians believe. White skin can be synonymous to a lot of things. It can be synonymous to success, to knowledge, to enlightenment, to secularism, to intelligence, and an overall superiority over those placed on the darker side of the fair and lovely shade card. Understandably therefore, we consider ourselves superior to Africans and thus  somewhat closer to the western world of enlightenment compared to them. I have a feeling that Mohandas guy wouldn't have made such a fuss over independence had those white sahibs allowed him onto the first class train compartment in Africa. But that's a story I'm not willing to spend any ink on right now.

Before baking a plum cake, it is advisable to soak dry fruits in dark rum for a fortnight. The fruits soak all the rum up infusing the plum cake with a rich fruity-rum flavour. We sub-continent people are like those fruits. Only, we are soaked in Christianity. We have imbibed the white man's religion into our culture and have even coined a word for it - secularism.  We celebrate Christmas; I mean hordes of non-Christian atheist and secular Indians bake cakes, drink ,wine, don red-white santa caps, visit chapels and cathedrals for midnight mass, attend Christmas eve parties, all in the name of being hip and happening. Christianity however, is a far lesser minority compared to Islam in India and yet, no such euphoria is ever in sight among non-Muslim Indians during Eid or any Muslim festival for that matter. Because, Islam is a religion and Christianity is the other name of secularism. 300 years of colonial read Christian rule has left such deep seated roots that we fight tooth and nail over the so called universality of Sunday as the weekly off, little realising that the holy Sabbath is the day god is supposed to have rested after creating the universe for six days before that. Yes, the Sunday holiday is as religious a thing as the Jumma (friday prayer day for Muslims, a weekly off in neighbouring Pakistan and Bangladesh).

Have you ever considered wearing skull caps/burqas and pouting before a phone camera held high on a selfie stick and checking in to an iftaar party for a facebook status? Or will that mark you as a terrorist planning to blow up Hinduism's ass?

Hallelujah!

Stars and messiahs

There was a time no so long ago, when Bollywood actors after retiring from films either went bankrupt, or led quiet lives in lavish bungalows, appearing occasionally in award functions and parties.Some of them of course bagged election tickets and were often seen roaming around their constituencies in khaddar. The world of cinema however has changed since. With production houses trying hard to meet viewers' demands by releasing as many films possible and newer faces being launched on celluloid every other friday, competition is getting tougher for actors old and new. What with all the botox they can find, it becomes difficult to continue to command allegiance in the quicksand of stardom and fanaticism unless you are also in control of capital and is part of  the production and marketing machinery. So, our actors venture into businesses. They launch production and distribution companies, get into real estate, buy sports franchise, launch fashion labels, chain of spas and so on. And most of them turn out to be pretty good at that. So much so that they learn all the tricks of trading in India like shady deals, violating tax regulations, etc. In short, they learn the ropes pretty quick. Now there's nothing wrong in doing business or making profit, is there? possibly not. In violating the country's business laws? There is, but then such violations are committed by thousands of other smaller and bigger business houses.

And then, reeling from the success of their films and businesses, they finally attain the last stage of stardom - they turn messiah. They take on the government, shed tears for rape survivors, tell everyone what is right and what is wrong with the system. All this while they also grace Amar Singh's police show, endorse fairness creams and promote every bit of the mysogyny bollywood showers its audiences with, by choosing to play the godly husband to twenty year olds. In the meantime when the Enforcement Directorate sends notices to inquire into shady business deals and the they get overtly conscious about the rottenness of the system.

Take for instance Shahrukh and Amir Khan(s). While the former will be busy counting collections for Dilwale around the weekend, the latter rests peacefully having by now generated sufficient curiosity for his upcoming Dangal.

Both of these self-proclaimed messiahs however strictly adhered to the 'silence is golden' theory when law took its course and set Salman Khan free for running over a bunch of poor footpath dwellers.

So much for solidarity eh!

All RAW agents are Hindu!

The arrests of Ashfaq Ansari, Irshad Ansari and Md Jehangir (alleged ISI spies) in Kolkata is making its fair share of noise. Generously contributing to the din of course are people who know it all. People who have been shouting all their lives from rooftops that Kolkata is an asylum for 'terrorists' and friends of Pakistan (yes these are synonymous). They've also been insisting that Muslim majority areas in Kolkata, like Rajabajar, Park Circus, Ekbalpur, Khidderpore, Metiaburuj, etc. are terrorist dens. Besides, every sane Indian already knows, 'all terrorists are Muslims'. I respect their views. But there's a thing or two about spying that needs to be discussed even at the risk of hurting certain sentiments. 

India is a Hindu majority country. Pakistan is a Muslim majority country. These became two from one (eventually three) on the basis of religion. This also means, majority of people representing these countries in every sphere belong to the respective majority religions of the two countries. Simply put, majority of singers, cricketers, scientists, authors, engineers, in Pakistan are Muslims. And so are spies. I'm sure spying on India would have become considerably easier for Pakistan, were they able to recruit a dhoti/jawahar coat clad shuddh shakahari sanskari Hindu as spy. But as it stands, they do not seem to be getting lucky on that count. Just like neighbour India. 

Surprising as it may sound, all the alleged RAW agents we have come to hear of so far, have names like Ramraj (no i didn't make that up), Gurbaksh Ram, Ram Prakash, Om Prakash, Vinod Sawhney, Suram Singh, Balwir Singh and so on. All these Hindu and Sikh individuals are self professed RAW spies who have worked in Pakistan. And then you have Sarabjit Martyr Singh, who had apparently plotted a bomb attack in Pakistan that killed 14 innocent terrorists err no, Muslims...I mean Pakistanis! The most publicised RAW agent till date is Ravinder Kaushik who spent 26 years in Pakistan as a high-ranking Pak military officer. He is now stuff of legends, thanks to Salman Khan's muscles. Salman's character in Ek tha Tiger is said to be based of Kaushik. 

I understand, these are all great patriotic Hindus defending their country. But though there is truth in the aphorism 'all terrorists are Muslims', that is hardly the case for 'all Hindus are patriots' because some turn out to be Madhuri Gupta - an Indian diplomat caught passing on information to Pakistan authorities in Lahore. She now faces trial. 

Come now fellow countrymen/women! Be my guiding light. Help me choose a suitable statement from the following options:

• All Hindus are traitors
• All RAW agents are Hindus
• All Hindus are RAW agents 

Chew on that...