There is nothing inspirational about being fat

It's been a while since we've learned, the word 'fat' when used as an adjective is offensive. That it needs to be replaced with 'big' while referring to a person who has put on more weight than is necessary, to survive this cruel world. Now going by this trend, soon 'thin' 'tall' 'short' 'voluptuous' 'muscular' and all words referring to human physical traits will become offensive too. If we indeed believe that 'beauty' is not a watertight compartment bound on all six sides by words like 'white' 'fair' 'slim' 'toned' 'lean' '36-24-36', we needn't put a philological gag order on 'fat'. 

Gabourey Sidibe is an American actress of African descent. I didn't know her name until last week when I saw some of my friends sharing her photos on facebook. When I googled her, apart from the fact that she is an accomplished actress, I found out two interesting traits that mostly characterized her growing presence on social network. First, there were men (mostly white) labelling her as 'fat' and 'ugly' one of whom had gone to the extent of wishing his enemies end up in bed with her. Second, there were women sharing her photos hailing her as a symbol of women empowerment.

Both, were doing this primarily because one, she is of African ancestry or 'black', two, she is fat, and three, she is a successful actress in spite of not conforming to the popular code of beauty. The first kind (the offensive men) deserves no justification at all. They need to be confronted and told why their idea is all sorts of wrong. But I don't wish to discuss them here. 

However, the second lot, in my opinion is not doing her a world of good either. Her professional achievements are beyond doubt commendable. That is took on Hollywood stereotypes of 'thin white female' head on is an unparalleled feat. But, her acting skills are no way related to her body weight. Perhaps Ms Sidibe has a medical condition. Perhaps it is her genes. Perhaps she it too lazy to work out. Perhaps, she eats too many of those mac burgers with extra cheese. Perhaps, she thinks it is cool to be overweight. Irrespective of the real cause behind her bulk and irrespective of how pretty we think she looks showing off her form with elan, she is living under the constant threat of suffering from a series of very dangerous and fatal diseases. Not all things of beauty bring joy forever. While beauty is not at all related to the presence or absence of body fat, staying fit (disease-free) might just have a thing or two to do with it. Also, obesity is not glorifying. It does not take much effort or talent or perseverance to become obese and there is nothing inspirational about it. 

All this talk about glorifying obesity in fact, is highly suspicious and I have bad feeling about it. To me it looks like just another propaganda designed under the collective aegis of plus size fashion, fast food and medical industry. If people believe it is cool to stay fat, all of these three industries can continue to comfortably earn their revenue and stay in business. Artists like Ms Sidibe should stop misleading people who look up to them. Obesity and anorexia are conditions one should get rid of. Between white and black is huge area called grey. Let's recognize it. 

Five things Chaddis must do to avoid being mocked at by anti-nationals

The whole JNU and anti-national row has sparked new exchanges between Chaddis and anti-chaddis, both group resorting to the formulaic tools of resistance namely posting banners on Facebook, writing blogs, poems, tweets and so on. The cruel elitist anti-chaddi brigade like always is busy pointing out loopholes in the Chaddi antics. Below are a few tips the Chaddis must embrace in order to be able to stop the foul-mouthed know-it-all anti-nationals:

1. Use spell-check - you are a brave soldier of our Mahan Bharat and a loyal child of our Bharat Maata. Don't let your grammar or the lack of it stand in the way of your noble cause. Just because you don't know a few spellings doesn't mean your love for your country can be mocked upon by a bunch of beefeating anti-nationals.
2. Hire photoshop artists - you'll often come across photos that can be altered to suit your purpose better. For instance, there is a photo of a congregation of a few Muslim men and they're seen holding up certain slogan banners. If you were to change those banners into Pakistani flags, you must do it flawlessly. Also, you must choose a not so widely circulated photo so that nit picking anti-nationals are unable to relate the edited version to the original.
3. Stay away from the camera - though your leader has taught you stare and smile at the camera every time you spot one, it is not a smart move at all times. For instance, you want a group of your co-activists to shout 'Pakistan zindabad' slogan. You must make sure, the same group is never seen waving your flags/banners before the camera ever again. 
4. Stay away from Bhagat Singh - as much of a patriot this Mr Singh was, he didn't have good things to say about Hindutva and Chaddism. He was a socialist and a non-believer. So, just stick to Savarkar and Shyamaprasad.
5. Don't quote - for a person who doesn't read books, the internet can be sometimes be a good source of information. But the problem with quotations is, if you are unable to differentiate a wrong quote from the right one, you are most likely to end up in a sticky situation; and the internet unfortunately is full of them. Let your own patriotic rhetoric take centre stage. Don't allow anti-nationals to poke fun at your general ignorance.

The curious case of patriotism, avalanche and Hanumanthappa

Patriotism is largely a military idea.An idea that revolves around the defense of a geographical territory. It is in some ways similar to chauvinism. There is a kind of glory attached to defending something to which you have a sense of ownership. Now this idea of defending territories obviously dates back to the times when the world was divided not into countries but kingdoms (many of which were walled cities). Outside those walls were foreign swords and cavalry ready to torch cities down, squander its wealth, ravish women, destroy the season's harvest and make slaves and prostitutes out of innocent citizens. Sometimes the wall stood guard, sometimes it fell depending upon the strength of the two sides. Understandably therefore, It was important to beef up the cities' defense, to increase the number of soldiers, build as many trebuchet as possible, dig deeper moats and so on. Having a great show of defense was necessary to boost the citizens' confidence. Just like it is today, which is why we put our best squadron(s) and artillery on display every Republic Day. And why did the king need to bother about the citizens' confidence? To ensure they stay back and pay their taxes. A family leaving a kingdom is so much gold/corn lost. Besides, the king also had to ensure the best potters, weavers, artists, bakers, wine makers, remain in the city and continue generating revenue so that more and more people find it lucrative to settle down in that kingdom, as a thriving economy ensured work and a living for everyone. And you thought brain drain is a 20th century menace! But we are here to discuss patriotism, not brain drain so let's shift focus back to the kingdom. So back then soldiering was a profession. A profession that largely went down generations. These soldiers fought for money and money alone. Whoever gave them a heavier bag of gold coins, succeeded in purchasing their service. There was no sense of belonging, no sense of ownership, just a simple exchange of wealth and service. But picture this. King A sets up camp near King B's fort intending to take it down. Meanwhile King A's spies enter King B's city and manages to buy off 500 of his best soldiers and on D-Day they sabotage their previous employer. Quite an embarrassing scene that one. Gradually therefore, more and more kings began to employ soldiers on their payroll. Soldiers committed to fight for their king till their last breath. Soldiers who would also act as scouts, choosing fit young men from within the kingdom and train them to become soldiers. That is when the idea of patriotism was born and since humans have always been quite a warring tribe, the idea of glory also quickly latched itself on to patriotism.

Now that I'm through with an introduction, I would like to draw your attention to the interesting albeit sad case of Lance Naik Hanumanthappa. He along with nine other colleagues had set up camp somewhere in Siachen and fell victim to an avalanche accident. While others died on spot, Hamumanthappa miraculously survived only to succumb to his injuries today. Media is abuzz with poems and prayers and promises and have quickly turned him into a martyr. A year or two down the line bollywood I'm sure will also come up with its version of his death, complete with scenes where the camera will stay put on a fluttering tri-colour flag for a good five minutes while a violin playing Vande Mataram on the background. All that's fine and my heart really goes out to the dead soldier and his grieving family, members of which will be left with a pension, job(s), lodging.

But do spare a thought about this. Hundreds of miners, sewage workers, skyscraper cleaners (who work without insurance, security infrastructure, medical/emergency assistance) die at work. We of course do not even know there names. We don't need to. Forget the miners. Hundreds of mountaineering enthusiasts every year succumb to avalanche accidents. Some of them from our country as well. From what little I know about them, they have to put up a great fight raising funds for such expeditions. Many put in money from their own pockets in pursuit of a sport which has little or no recognition among our country's people inside and outside the government. But still, they do it. Not out of a sense of duty, nor glory but simple crazy determination and an inexplicable urge to play with fire; and ice. Knowing all along, none of their fellow citizens will shed two pence worth of tears or status updates for them. Jai Hind!

Christmas is not a religious festival. Hell yeah!

Humans look best when they have white skin. Or at least that's what we Indians believe. White skin can be synonymous to a lot of things. It can be synonymous to success, to knowledge, to enlightenment, to secularism, to intelligence, and an overall superiority over those placed on the darker side of the fair and lovely shade card. Understandably therefore, we consider ourselves superior to Africans and thus  somewhat closer to the western world of enlightenment compared to them. I have a feeling that Mohandas guy wouldn't have made such a fuss over independence had those white sahibs allowed him onto the first class train compartment in Africa. But that's a story I'm not willing to spend any ink on right now.

Before baking a plum cake, it is advisable to soak dry fruits in dark rum for a fortnight. The fruits soak all the rum up infusing the plum cake with a rich fruity-rum flavour. We sub-continent people are like those fruits. Only, we are soaked in Christianity. We have imbibed the white man's religion into our culture and have even coined a word for it - secularism.  We celebrate Christmas; I mean hordes of non-Christian atheist and secular Indians bake cakes, drink ,wine, don red-white santa caps, visit chapels and cathedrals for midnight mass, attend Christmas eve parties, all in the name of being hip and happening. Christianity however, is a far lesser minority compared to Islam in India and yet, no such euphoria is ever in sight among non-Muslim Indians during Eid or any Muslim festival for that matter. Because, Islam is a religion and Christianity is the other name of secularism. 300 years of colonial read Christian rule has left such deep seated roots that we fight tooth and nail over the so called universality of Sunday as the weekly off, little realising that the holy Sabbath is the day god is supposed to have rested after creating the universe for six days before that. Yes, the Sunday holiday is as religious a thing as the Jumma (friday prayer day for Muslims, a weekly off in neighbouring Pakistan and Bangladesh).

Have you ever considered wearing skull caps/burqas and pouting before a phone camera held high on a selfie stick and checking in to an iftaar party for a facebook status? Or will that mark you as a terrorist planning to blow up Hinduism's ass?

Hallelujah!

Stars and messiahs

There was a time no so long ago, when Bollywood actors after retiring from films either went bankrupt, or led quiet lives in lavish bungalows, appearing occasionally in award functions and parties.Some of them of course bagged election tickets and were often seen roaming around their constituencies in khaddar. The world of cinema however has changed since. With production houses trying hard to meet viewers' demands by releasing as many films possible and newer faces being launched on celluloid every other friday, competition is getting tougher for actors old and new. What with all the botox they can find, it becomes difficult to continue to command allegiance in the quicksand of stardom and fanaticism unless you are also in control of capital and is part of  the production and marketing machinery. So, our actors venture into businesses. They launch production and distribution companies, get into real estate, buy sports franchise, launch fashion labels, chain of spas and so on. And most of them turn out to be pretty good at that. So much so that they learn all the tricks of trading in India like shady deals, violating tax regulations, etc. In short, they learn the ropes pretty quick. Now there's nothing wrong in doing business or making profit, is there? possibly not. In violating the country's business laws? There is, but then such violations are committed by thousands of other smaller and bigger business houses.

And then, reeling from the success of their films and businesses, they finally attain the last stage of stardom - they turn messiah. They take on the government, shed tears for rape survivors, tell everyone what is right and what is wrong with the system. All this while they also grace Amar Singh's police show, endorse fairness creams and promote every bit of the mysogyny bollywood showers its audiences with, by choosing to play the godly husband to twenty year olds. In the meantime when the Enforcement Directorate sends notices to inquire into shady business deals and the they get overtly conscious about the rottenness of the system.

Take for instance Shahrukh and Amir Khan(s). While the former will be busy counting collections for Dilwale around the weekend, the latter rests peacefully having by now generated sufficient curiosity for his upcoming Dangal.

Both of these self-proclaimed messiahs however strictly adhered to the 'silence is golden' theory when law took its course and set Salman Khan free for running over a bunch of poor footpath dwellers.

So much for solidarity eh!

All RAW agents are Hindu!

The arrests of Ashfaq Ansari, Irshad Ansari and Md Jehangir (alleged ISI spies) in Kolkata is making its fair share of noise. Generously contributing to the din of course are people who know it all. People who have been shouting all their lives from rooftops that Kolkata is an asylum for 'terrorists' and friends of Pakistan (yes these are synonymous). They've also been insisting that Muslim majority areas in Kolkata, like Rajabajar, Park Circus, Ekbalpur, Khidderpore, Metiaburuj, etc. are terrorist dens. Besides, every sane Indian already knows, 'all terrorists are Muslims'. I respect their views. But there's a thing or two about spying that needs to be discussed even at the risk of hurting certain sentiments. 

India is a Hindu majority country. Pakistan is a Muslim majority country. These became two from one (eventually three) on the basis of religion. This also means, majority of people representing these countries in every sphere belong to the respective majority religions of the two countries. Simply put, majority of singers, cricketers, scientists, authors, engineers, in Pakistan are Muslims. And so are spies. I'm sure spying on India would have become considerably easier for Pakistan, were they able to recruit a dhoti/jawahar coat clad shuddh shakahari sanskari Hindu as spy. But as it stands, they do not seem to be getting lucky on that count. Just like neighbour India. 

Surprising as it may sound, all the alleged RAW agents we have come to hear of so far, have names like Ramraj (no i didn't make that up), Gurbaksh Ram, Ram Prakash, Om Prakash, Vinod Sawhney, Suram Singh, Balwir Singh and so on. All these Hindu and Sikh individuals are self professed RAW spies who have worked in Pakistan. And then you have Sarabjit Martyr Singh, who had apparently plotted a bomb attack in Pakistan that killed 14 innocent terrorists err no, Muslims...I mean Pakistanis! The most publicised RAW agent till date is Ravinder Kaushik who spent 26 years in Pakistan as a high-ranking Pak military officer. He is now stuff of legends, thanks to Salman Khan's muscles. Salman's character in Ek tha Tiger is said to be based of Kaushik. 

I understand, these are all great patriotic Hindus defending their country. But though there is truth in the aphorism 'all terrorists are Muslims', that is hardly the case for 'all Hindus are patriots' because some turn out to be Madhuri Gupta - an Indian diplomat caught passing on information to Pakistan authorities in Lahore. She now faces trial. 

Come now fellow countrymen/women! Be my guiding light. Help me choose a suitable statement from the following options:

• All Hindus are traitors
• All RAW agents are Hindus
• All Hindus are RAW agents 

Chew on that...