Five things Chaddis must do to avoid being mocked at by anti-nationals

The whole JNU and anti-national row has sparked new exchanges between Chaddis and anti-chaddis, both group resorting to the formulaic tools of resistance namely posting banners on Facebook, writing blogs, poems, tweets and so on. The cruel elitist anti-chaddi brigade like always is busy pointing out loopholes in the Chaddi antics. Below are a few tips the Chaddis must embrace in order to be able to stop the foul-mouthed know-it-all anti-nationals:

1. Use spell-check - you are a brave soldier of our Mahan Bharat and a loyal child of our Bharat Maata. Don't let your grammar or the lack of it stand in the way of your noble cause. Just because you don't know a few spellings doesn't mean your love for your country can be mocked upon by a bunch of beefeating anti-nationals.
2. Hire photoshop artists - you'll often come across photos that can be altered to suit your purpose better. For instance, there is a photo of a congregation of a few Muslim men and they're seen holding up certain slogan banners. If you were to change those banners into Pakistani flags, you must do it flawlessly. Also, you must choose a not so widely circulated photo so that nit picking anti-nationals are unable to relate the edited version to the original.
3. Stay away from the camera - though your leader has taught you stare and smile at the camera every time you spot one, it is not a smart move at all times. For instance, you want a group of your co-activists to shout 'Pakistan zindabad' slogan. You must make sure, the same group is never seen waving your flags/banners before the camera ever again. 
4. Stay away from Bhagat Singh - as much of a patriot this Mr Singh was, he didn't have good things to say about Hindutva and Chaddism. He was a socialist and a non-believer. So, just stick to Savarkar and Shyamaprasad.
5. Don't quote - for a person who doesn't read books, the internet can be sometimes be a good source of information. But the problem with quotations is, if you are unable to differentiate a wrong quote from the right one, you are most likely to end up in a sticky situation; and the internet unfortunately is full of them. Let your own patriotic rhetoric take centre stage. Don't allow anti-nationals to poke fun at your general ignorance.

The curious case of patriotism, avalanche and Hanumanthappa

Patriotism is largely a military idea.An idea that revolves around the defense of a geographical territory. It is in some ways similar to chauvinism. There is a kind of glory attached to defending something to which you have a sense of ownership. Now this idea of defending territories obviously dates back to the times when the world was divided not into countries but kingdoms (many of which were walled cities). Outside those walls were foreign swords and cavalry ready to torch cities down, squander its wealth, ravish women, destroy the season's harvest and make slaves and prostitutes out of innocent citizens. Sometimes the wall stood guard, sometimes it fell depending upon the strength of the two sides. Understandably therefore, It was important to beef up the cities' defense, to increase the number of soldiers, build as many trebuchet as possible, dig deeper moats and so on. Having a great show of defense was necessary to boost the citizens' confidence. Just like it is today, which is why we put our best squadron(s) and artillery on display every Republic Day. And why did the king need to bother about the citizens' confidence? To ensure they stay back and pay their taxes. A family leaving a kingdom is so much gold/corn lost. Besides, the king also had to ensure the best potters, weavers, artists, bakers, wine makers, remain in the city and continue generating revenue so that more and more people find it lucrative to settle down in that kingdom, as a thriving economy ensured work and a living for everyone. And you thought brain drain is a 20th century menace! But we are here to discuss patriotism, not brain drain so let's shift focus back to the kingdom. So back then soldiering was a profession. A profession that largely went down generations. These soldiers fought for money and money alone. Whoever gave them a heavier bag of gold coins, succeeded in purchasing their service. There was no sense of belonging, no sense of ownership, just a simple exchange of wealth and service. But picture this. King A sets up camp near King B's fort intending to take it down. Meanwhile King A's spies enter King B's city and manages to buy off 500 of his best soldiers and on D-Day they sabotage their previous employer. Quite an embarrassing scene that one. Gradually therefore, more and more kings began to employ soldiers on their payroll. Soldiers committed to fight for their king till their last breath. Soldiers who would also act as scouts, choosing fit young men from within the kingdom and train them to become soldiers. That is when the idea of patriotism was born and since humans have always been quite a warring tribe, the idea of glory also quickly latched itself on to patriotism.

Now that I'm through with an introduction, I would like to draw your attention to the interesting albeit sad case of Lance Naik Hanumanthappa. He along with nine other colleagues had set up camp somewhere in Siachen and fell victim to an avalanche accident. While others died on spot, Hamumanthappa miraculously survived only to succumb to his injuries today. Media is abuzz with poems and prayers and promises and have quickly turned him into a martyr. A year or two down the line bollywood I'm sure will also come up with its version of his death, complete with scenes where the camera will stay put on a fluttering tri-colour flag for a good five minutes while a violin playing Vande Mataram on the background. All that's fine and my heart really goes out to the dead soldier and his grieving family, members of which will be left with a pension, job(s), lodging.

But do spare a thought about this. Hundreds of miners, sewage workers, skyscraper cleaners (who work without insurance, security infrastructure, medical/emergency assistance) die at work. We of course do not even know there names. We don't need to. Forget the miners. Hundreds of mountaineering enthusiasts every year succumb to avalanche accidents. Some of them from our country as well. From what little I know about them, they have to put up a great fight raising funds for such expeditions. Many put in money from their own pockets in pursuit of a sport which has little or no recognition among our country's people inside and outside the government. But still, they do it. Not out of a sense of duty, nor glory but simple crazy determination and an inexplicable urge to play with fire; and ice. Knowing all along, none of their fellow citizens will shed two pence worth of tears or status updates for them. Jai Hind!